on dreaming

dreaming.

open-ness.

not just ‘normal’ dreaming (for time off, rest, a fabulous vaca).

dreaming in a really big & exceptionally deep way.

dreaming that comes from the deepest part of me that knows, that remembers, how really blessed a thing it is to be alive.

 

(not just surviving. not just getting through the days. living.)

here. now. alive.

reaching higher. and deeper.

playing for the fun of it. sparkles & glitter & vivid colors because they make me smile.

recognizing, at the same time, that it’s not all rainbows & butterflies and that this, too, is part of the journey. part of the blessing.

reaching. stretching. saying ‘YES!’.

saying no.

starting over, again and again, if that’s what’s necessary.

and always, always, looking for the meaningful connections.

because they are always there.

<3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

wanna talk about any of this?

did something come into greater focus for you here?

come play.

 

 

blurry

things have gotten blurry lately.

blurry as in, moving too quickly to be able to get a real handle on anything…

blurry as in, not making sense in the same way that things used to…

blurry as in, the message that I’m here to share is coming out diluted.

that makes me really sad.

really, really sad.

the message that I’m here to share (that there is real meaning and magick in life) is getting smaller and smaller as I take on more and more.

this is not ok.

because the message itself, it’s vital.

and there are so many people who need to hear it… and not only to hear it, but to really get it.

so I’ll be taking some time to re-group and gather up that necessary, juicy, energy again.

everything that I have been offering on My Mosaic Life will be going away within just a couple of days.

some of it may come back, most of it likely won’t.

i’ll also be turning off comments on my blog for the foreseeable future, and allowing any writing that I do to come through unencumbered by concerns about what anyone else may think about it.

that’s it for now.

would love for you to hang around and read what does come through on the blog, play with me over on the Facebook page, or sign up for my (very) occasional newsletter if any of those feels good to you.

and if they don’t, that’s totally cool too.

thanks for having been around for the first part of the journey, you are so appreciated.

 

“you can take me down. you can show me your home. not the place where you live, but the place where you belong. you can bend my ear, we can talk all day. just make sure i’m around when you’ve finally got something to say.”

I’ll be back in full force when I find my home… and finally have something real to say. And we’ll both know, then, that it’s your home too. <3

 

wanting what i want

I’m noticing lately (there’s that word again) that I’m feeling a little bit depleted.

Granted, I’ve been sick, and I cannot seem to catch up on rest for some reason… but this has been more than just that.

This has felt as though my colors weren’t as bright. Like I’ve faded out in some way or something…

I read a couple of things (one by Rachel Maddox & the other, which is not yet posted – it came via e-mail -, by Martha Beck) that really got me to wondering.

Rachel basically broke her post down into 100 things she never expected to share with us. Lots of those really got me thinking. Then I immediately got an e-mail from Martha Beck about her experiment with FUN.

I was absolutely intrigued, especially by the 1-2 punch here.

It got me thinking about wanting what i really want…

Not watering down my wants & desires to better meet someone else’s expectations or hopes of/for me.

So while waiting my turn at the doctors office this afternoon, I started musing on this.

What the hell *DO* I actually want?

Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

  • I want to sit on the back porch… fans going full blast, moving the stiflingly warm air around enough so that I can breathe comfortably. I want to prop my feet up on another chair & enjoy my sangria while I soak in the vibrance of the skies changing colors in all the gorgeous ways that they do as the sun sets. I want to watch the cotton ball clouds contort themselves into shapes both recognizable and not while I try to name the shapes I see. I want to enjoy this simplicity without manic thoughts of Things That Must Be Done.
  • I want the freedom to meet up with the girls on a weekly basis (if I’m feeling up to it… I also want the freedom to not feel badly about declining when I don’t) and really enjoy those glasses of red wine, along with the bond that develops over fabulous (and not so much) conversation.
  • I want snuggle time with each of the kids that doesn’t feel forced and fake. I want the same with my husband (minus any expectations from any of them).
  • I want the ability to go and do “crazy” things now & again with those who will enjoy them with me. Rock climbing, laser tag (better yet, paint ball! Have always wanted to try it!), ecstatic dancing in the rain… on the beach, a silent retreat… nothing but me & nature with some writing and photography implements, gathering a fun group of adults who love board games as much as I do.
  • I want to decorate my home in a way that sings to me and doesn’t feel stifled and dry. Striving for perfection is no fucking fun.
  • I want to be able to let loose and just be ridiculously silly, with no thought of what ANYONE else *might* think. I want to invite insane amounts of fun into my life. Right Now.
  • I want to do group exercise classes. Nia, Tai Chi, Yoga, Zumba, ecstatic dance, Body Flow, belly dancing and probably at least half a dozen others!
  • I want to go to Havi’s Shivanauticon and bring it back to Florida so that I can teach Shiva Nata locally.
  • I want to create My Mosaic Life’s very own ‘Freedom Forest’ (name is up in the air… The Dragonfly Playground has also been tossed around ;-) ).
  • I want to enjoy of the moments of my days, rather than waiting for cave days to feel re-fueled. I want to refill in the moment.
  • I want to like what I like, dammit. I want to not feel the need to explain or apologize for being into crystals, dragonflies, magick, Breaking Benjamin & Linkin Park, tattoos, or any of the other fabulicious stuff that I dig. I don’t seem to fit into either the hard-core group or to the airy-fairy group. I’m somewhere in the middle and I LOVE THAT.
  • I want to recognize, appreciate and feel lusciousness (in some form) every single day. No exceptions. Life is too short for anything less.

 

That’s a short list. I am sure I can and will add to it.

I would *SO* love if you would add your own list in the comments below, or on the Facebook page.

Tell me, gorgeous…. if you were free to want what you want… what would you want?!?!

 

a wink from the universe

I stepped away from my routines and such this past weekend, to take the kids 4 hours north to visit with my folks.

I won’t lie. Part of me was really looking forward to ‘getting away from it all’ for the weekend, and another part of me was dreading the drive and all of us being outside of our normal routines.

See.. there’s a part of me that really loves routine. She craves the stability associated with knowing that every Monday from 8am-11am I have creative business planning time. She likes knowing what to expect, and when.

Then there’s another part of me that fancies herself a bit of a wild stallion (gender conflict, I get it.. roll with me here) and much prefers to prance around schedules & clocks & appointments.. snorting derisively at the idea that any such construct could possibly contain her.

Too much routine, and the stallion rears up & acts out. Too few containers and my inner planner has a meltdown.

Needless to say, this type of trip was bound to stir things up one way or the other.

So. Back to the trip.

Got up there late Friday night, absolutely exhausted & ready for nothing more than a glass of wine & a soft bed.

Woke early on Saturday morning & started the day with a wide open schedule. Nowhere to be, nothing to do. I could feel my inner planner start to panic just a bit.

Spent time with the kids,  & with my parents… and also took some time to get some pictures. It rained like crazy for most of the day so there wasn’t a whole lot to be done.

Saturday evening the rain slowed enough that we could drive into town and eat at this amazing restaurant. By the end of dinner, The Little Dude needed to visit ‘the facilities’… and so I headed that way with him.

We walked into the restroom and the first thing I noticed was the dragonfly in the picture above. (You know I had to get a picture.. I mean, c’mon… it’s a dragonfly…!)

I had to laugh, because here I was ‘getting away from it all’ and I’d done little more than stress about all that I wasn’t doing.

The dragonfly, in it’s ever-so-subtle way, reminded me about freedom. For me, the dragonfly has always represented -above and beyond all else- both freedom (fly free) and magic. So in one fell swoop this little guy reminded me to let go and feel the freedom in not having anything to do for the weekend, and in doing so I would be allowing for the magic that comes with that freedom.

Pretty awesome stuff… and yet another example of how, by paying attention to my surroundings (and to what I’m noticing), life itself will speak to me and tell me what I need to know.

Love that.

What have you been noticing in your life?

What does it say to you?

 

 

noticing: blue jays

(First… doesn’t this picture look like a phoenix rising??? Sorry, I couldn’t get a good shot of a Blue Jay. You’ll have to make due with a picture of blue sky and what appears to be a phoenix instead :-) )

So, yeah.

Blue Jays.

Like, everywhere.

Finally, it dawned on me to check out Blue Jay symbolism.

But first, I wanted to know what they meant to me, and specifically what I was noticing about them in seeing them all over the place lately.

The first one that really got my attention (and drew attention to the fact that I’d been seeing them every-freaking-where), was a male kamikaze dive-bombing my car one morning. Now, the reason that this one actually got my attention involves a short story.

Flashback

I’d just had my braces removed (and no, we’re not talking about in my teens, we’re talking about within the past couple of years) and was heading in to work. Was feeling especially ecstatic, having just been released from having the equivalent of sharp handcuffs in my mouth and all, when a male kamikaze Blue Jay dive-bombed my car. I don’t know why. I wasn’t driving into his nest, though maybe I was too close for comfort… who the hell knows. Regardless, the poor guy flew right into my car and I couldn’t brake fast enough to mitigate the force of impact. I got going again to avoid being hit by the car behind me, but looked back to see if he was on the ground (and hoping hoping hoping that he’d kept right on flying).

He was on the ground.

I blubbered and sobbed the entire 30 minute drive to work (I know, I shouldn’t have been driving at that point. I get it. Apologies.). Mentally berating myself for killing this poor bird, and then telling everyone about it when I got to work so that they could berate me too (they didn’t).

Obviously, this made enough of an impact on my psyche that I’ve remembered it even now (swiss-cheese memory notwithstanding).

Flashforward (is that a word???)

So this guy the other day deciding to dive-bomb really also caught my attention.

Yeah.

Thankfully, this one lived.

But since then, I’ve been seeing these guys (with their mates) everywhere I look. In our back yard, and front yard… more when driving… on pictures… chasing a neighborhood cat… you name it.

What I’m noticing about them now, though, is this:

  • Courage. They seem to not be afraid of things *much* larger than themselves, especially when it involves defending something of theirs. (Mate, home, babies?)
  • They’re never far from their mates. (Now, I understand that this time of year is peak mating season and that this is explained that way.. but really… is it necessary to explain away such noticings?)
  • They’re protective of their territory.

So then I looked up some info about them and found:

  • They generally “form monogamous pair-bonds for life”
  • They’re territorial (really?)
  • They’re curious and considered to be intelligent birds
  • They’ve got quite a large range of vocalizations and can even mimic other birds (to the point that it’s difficult to know which is which!) and humans.

Ok, great… lots here to dig into… What about their symbolism? I found lots of sites talking about this, but the one that struck me (holy shit!) says this:

Blue Jay People are learning to embrace a more exciting, flamboyant and glamorous Life while at the same time fitting in wherever they choose to land. Blue jay arrives onto the scene with beauty, color, energy and commanding attention like royalty or stardom walking on the red carpet. The pronounced crest on the head resembles a crown for royalty.

When Blue Jay Medicine grabs your attention it is asking you to embrace your God-given assets. Blue Jay reminds you that when you walk into a room, you do not have to call attention to yourself because you already have the worlds attention, all you have to do is respond to it.

Now what is it that you desire the world to know about you?

Blue Jay is comfortable wherever she lands, seeking food both on the ground and in trees and nesting in a tree or in a bush. In a sense, Blue Jay ultimately calls the shots in her Life of “who, when, where and how much.” Blue Jay is royalty and always displays herself by walking the red carpet, typically during the day where she can easily be seen.

Blue Jay’s message is about embracing Life to the fullest wherever you land and pursuing that which you Love at all times. Royalty always commands the best and brightens up any event, even in the the darkness.

Ok… seriously, now. I keep mentally falling off of my chair each time I re-read this…

I’ve been doing so much inner work lately (nothing new there, slick) and one of the things I’ve been told recently (by the ever fabulous Amy Palko & her Goddess Guidance) is this:

“…She’s about sharing our gifts and the bounty that we’ve been blessed with. I think last time you got Danu – is that right? And she was saying that the time for learning is over and the time for acting upon that knowledge is now. Well, Iduna’s message is similar in that she’s asking you to share what you’ve been growing for the last however long. It’s time for you to create containers for your knowledge, your talents, your skills, your gifts and to share them widely and freely.”

So really… ‘embracing my god(dess) given talents/assets’.

Whoa.

There’s also stuff in there for me about being comfortable & fitting in wherever I ‘land’, not needing to call attention to myself but only responding to attention that does come, calling the shots of ‘who, when, where and how much’ (aka boundaries), walking the red carpet, and pursuing what I most love.

I mean, honestly, it’s as though someone who knows me and what I’m going through in life right now wrote this for me and then waited for me to find it!

Wanna talk about finding meaning, my chicky????

Here it is, right here…

And I came across it simply by noticing and then getting curious.

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So tell me…

*What are you noticing in your life right now? What’s calling out for your attention?

*Can you get curious about it, and start asking some questions? Listening/watching for some answers?

*Tell me about your gut reactions to what you notice that you’re noticing…

 

connection and meaning

“Because connection without meaning is hollow, and meaning without connection gets lonely.”

I wrote this in doing some work around what ‘extreme self-care’ means and looks like for me.. and then shared it with the ‘creative badassery’ group I’m part of (with Andrea from ABC Creativity).

And then I really started thinking about what I’d written… because when I wrote it, it was one of those things that just kind of flowed out (almost without my conscious awareness).

The bottom line is that I’m not sure that I agree with what I wrote.

I keep going back and forth with this.. and I just don’t know that you can have any real connection without meaning, and I don’t know that you can have any real meaning without connection.

Perhaps that’s why, when I was choosing my word for this year, the two words came to mind together… and felt inseparable to me.

So at first I was thinking… you can have a connection with a friend or family member (hell, with a stranger) when you’re talking or otherwise communicating, just because you’re communicating. But then I remembered a show I was watching recently with Oprah and Martha Beck, and they talk about people who just talk surface stuff together (this is what I call two masks talking at each other). Neither is really being real with the other and so they’re not actually connecting. Their shells (masks) are connecting, while their real selves sit safely tucked away inside.

There’s no meaning in that. No real connection either.

Then on the other hand… I was thinking that you could experience meaning without any kind of actual connection. I figured, I experience meaning all the time… watching the dragonflies in the backyard with the breeze blowing & the sun shining… That feels very meaningful to me. But I realized that when I’m feeling that something inside of me that lights up during a meaningful experience, I’m also absolutely feeling connected.

Connected to all that is, and sensing the meaning within it all.

So that’s where I stand with it all now, I’ve revised my thoughts.

How about you?

Can you have meaning without connection, or connection without meaning?

Tell me in the comments below. I’d really love to take this apart and look at it together.

this little light of mine

Remember that song? (I learned it in Sunday School.)

“This little light of miiiiiiine. I’m gonna let it shiiiiine. This little light of miiiiine. I’m gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”

That’s what popped into my mind as I was browsing through my pictures & came across this one.

It looks like such a tiny little light in the midst of all that darkness, doesn’t it??

Well…

It is a tiny little light.

(just like each of us, alone, is a tiny little light out in the world)

And often there seems to be a whole shitload of darkness.

Sometimes, so much darkness that it feels like it’s only a matter of time before it swallows up our tiny little light.

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I remember another line from that song…

“Hide it under a bushel? NO! I’m gonna let it shine….”

That’s so much easier said than done, though, isn’t it????

We don’t want to hide our light from everyone else…. not really.

(but we also don’t want to put our light out there only to have it be stomped out by others who might not like the heat coming off of it)

What to do?

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This is one of the primary reasons we crave community of like-minded sisters so much.

We know, somewhere deep inside, that together we really are stronger.

The light of a thousand flames (or even ten!) is so much brighter than the light of any one flame alone.

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So.

I have a year-long program in the works (it’s actually pushing to be born, so I guess I need to stop talking and start acting ;-) ). One that will bring together a unique (and small-ish!) group of delicate & wild flames.

We’ll take a digital journey together from months 1-11 (details coming). Month 12, and the program, will culminate in an in-person retreat & meet-up.

It’s gonna be all about deep rest and deep play. About finding and creating meaning. About pulling together the pieces of your life on your terms. About deep connection (to self, others, and mama earth).

I am abso-smurfly-terrified of this. So if you’re feeling some fear around the idea of something that feels so big, know that you’re not alone.

I would ask, though, that if you have any (even vague) niggling feeling that you might be meant to be a part of this group… and this experience… sign up (in the top right hand corner of this page) to be on the ‘special goodies’ list so that you’re among the first to hear about it (and any discounts I create especially for that list!).

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And in the meantime… tell me how you remind yourself (because we all forget!) that your little light is made of magicks…

 

playing ‘banana’

The Girl has this game that she wants to play each time we get into the car…

(I’m thinking she learned it from a classmate or something, because I’d never heard of it before.)

It’s called ‘banana’.

Yep.

It goes a little something like this…

We get into a car.

First one to see a yellow vehicle, calls ‘banana’.

Rinse. Repeat.

That’s pretty much it.

Simple, right?

It’s super simple.

Here’s the interesting bit.

I got pretty annoyed every time she called ‘banana’ for the first several times she wanted to play.

Then The Little Dude started playing it with her.

Then I started playing too, dammit.

But it was a pain in the ass because there were never any yellow cars.

Until there were.

I noticed within a week or two that I was suddenly seeing them. 

Like, everywhere.

Even when no one else is in the car now I’m seeing them constantly and damn straight I call ‘banana’ each time (as if you don’t talk to yourself in the car… puh-lease).

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Where in your life can you start playing ‘banana’?

Can you play it with money flowing into your life? (I don’t care if it’s a penny. Call it!)

Can you play it with kindnesses bestowed upon you by others? (Someone smile at you? Call it!)

Can you play it with blessings you notice? (Have hot, running water? Call it, dammit!)

 

Tell me how you’re calling ‘banana’. I wanna hear.

 

being open for blooming

My Creative Business Genius session for this week (idea for these came from Andrea of ABC Creativity, who is genius herself..) revolved around the idea of being open for blooming. About being connected to Source and allowing that connection to be fused with a ‘blooming-into-essence’… and how that will lead to the comfort, simplicity, warmth/safety, and abundance that I’m craving.

Doesn’t that just sound delicious?

It dawned on me that this ought to be a naturally occurring phenomena… right? Each of us fostering our connection with whatever we hold sacred, and allowing ourselves to bloom and develop within that connection.

And yet.

That’s often not what happens.

Often, instead, we find ourselves pushing down the things that we hold dear. Pushing them away in favor of ‘living in the real world’.

That’s so painful.

Painful not only for the person doing the pushing away, but for everyone around her.

As though we can each feel the path that might have been, slowly fading from possibility.

Except.

Except that it doesn’t.

Not really.

The path that might have been may not always remain in the same state, but there are always other paths.

Always other doorways that open once we make the decision to stop ‘living in the real world’ (whatever that is, and by whichever standards currently judge it to be so).

There are always opportunities to do and be who and what we really are.

With each day.

Hell, with each breath.

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With this, my breath, I am choosing now.

What will you choose?

 

why bother…

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

Like when my legs are sore from 17 minutes of Nia two days after doing it (though I feel I *should* be able to get through an hour, easy).
~Why don’t I just sit around on my ass all day, as is my natural tendency anyway, and not get embarrassed… and not feel silly for being able to do so little right now?

Or when I got all the way through a nearly year-long crystal healer training class and don’t do the very last homework assignment (thus not getting certified).
~Why did I put all that time and energy in.. why didn’t I just pick up a couple of books & try to teach myself?

Or when I left my stable IT job to strike out on my own & create Simply Juicy Websites for folks.. I’m always afraid I don’t know enough HTML, CSS & PHP to be able to do what I really want to do with it..
~Why didn’t I just stay in my soul-sucking job & at least have steady money coming in… and plenty of it?

Or when I try to work on all of my ‘stuff’ around money, mommy-issues, daughter-issues, trust, being good-enough.. only to find that I still suck in all these areas.
~Why don’t I just drown my ‘stuff’ in oreos, pizza rolls, soda & some good art journaling instead?

And then I think:

Oh wait. I remember! I bother because life without meaning is fucking pointless and empty. Life without meaning lacks any kind of sparkle, juice, oomph. All these things I do give meaning to my life (and by god to the lives of others, if I’m to believe half of what I’m told about my contributions).

Because doing 17 minutes of Nia is better than sitting on my ass all day. Because my body feels good and thanks me in a hundred different ways when I move and stretch and allow it to be free.

Because I wanted to learn from a really fantastic teacher (which, I did) and have the connection of some super-cool classmates (totally did). I also wanted to take it seriously and go for the cert. (Did, and dammit I will!)

Because I was crying at work every fucking day, and wondering why the hell I was wasting my time and energy on something that means nothing to me. And because anything worth doing is worth putting the time into learning.. which I also am. (Better every day, baby… aren’t we all?)

Because at least I am actively working on geting through all this shit, and making my relationships better. Making life better for those around me, at least a teensy bit, in the process.

Oh yeah… that’s right.

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Why do you bother?

 

What meaning would you be missing out on if you didn’t?