Being Real – MyMosaicLife.com

May 14, 2012 By Angel

dreaming.

open-ness.

not just ‘normal’ dreaming (for time off, rest, a fabulous vaca).

dreaming in a really big & exceptionally deep way.

dreaming that comes from the deepest part of me that knows, that remembers, how really blessed a thing it is to be alive.

(not just surviving. not just getting through the days. living.)

here. now. alive.

reaching higher. and deeper.

playing for the fun of it. sparkles & glitter & vivid colors because they make me smile.

recognizing, at the same time, that it’s not all rainbows & butterflies and that this, too, is part of the journey. part of the blessing.

reaching. stretching. saying ‘YES!’.

saying no.

starting over, again and again, if that’s what’s necessary.

and always, always, looking for the meaningful connections.

because they are always there.

wanna talk about any of this?

did something come into greater focus for you here?

come play.

Filed Under: Being Real, Growth, Magic

May 10, 2012 By Angel

things have gotten blurry lately.

blurry as in, moving too quickly to be able to get a real handle on anything…

blurry as in, not making sense in the same way that things used to…

blurry as in, the message that I’m here to share is coming out diluted.

that makes me really sad.

really, really sad.

the message that I’m here to share (that there is real meaning and magick in life) is getting smaller and smaller as I take on more and more.

this is not ok.

because the message itself, it’s vital.

and there are so many people who need to hear it… and not only to hear it, but to really get it.

so I’ll be taking some time to re-group and gather up that necessary, juicy, energy again.

everything that I have been offering on My Mosaic Life will be going away within just a couple of days.

some of it may come back, most of it likely won’t.

i’ll also be turning off comments on my blog for the foreseeable future, and allowing any writing that I do to come through unencumbered by concerns about what anyone else may think about it.

that’s it for now.

would love for you to hang around and read what does come through on the blog, play with me over on the Facebook page, or sign up for my (very) occasional newsletter if any of those feels good to you.

and if they don’t, that’s totally cool too.

thanks for having been around for the first part of the journey, you are so appreciated.

“you can take me down. you can show me your home. not the place where you live, but the place where you belong. you can bend my ear, we can talk all day. just make sure i’m around when you’ve finally got something to say.”

I’ll be back in full force when I find my home… and finally have something real to say. And we’ll both know, then, that it’s your home too. <3

Filed Under: Being Real

May 1, 2012 By Angel

I’m noticing lately (there’s that word again) that I’m feeling a little bit depleted.

Granted, I’ve been sick, and I cannot seem to catch up on rest for some reason… but this has been more than just that.

This has felt as though my colors weren’t as bright. Like I’ve faded out in some way or something…

I read a couple of things (one by Rachel Maddox & the other, which is not yet posted – it came via e-mail -, by Martha Beck) that really got me to wondering.

Rachel basically broke her post down into 100 things she never expected to share with us. Lots of those really got me thinking. Then I immediately got an e-mail from Martha Beck about her experiment with FUN.

I was absolutely intrigued, especially by the 1-2 punch here.

It got me thinking about wanting what i really want…

Not watering down my wants & desires to better meet someone else’s expectations or hopes of/for me.

So while waiting my turn at the doctors office this afternoon, I started musing on this.

What the hell *DO* I actually want?

Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:

I want to sit on the back porch… fans going full blast, moving the stiflingly warm air around enough so that I can breathe comfortably. I want to prop my feet up on another chair & enjoy my sangria while I soak in the vibrance of the skies changing colors in all the gorgeous ways that they do as the sun sets. I want to watch the cotton ball clouds contort themselves into shapes both recognizable and not while I try to name the shapes I see. I want to enjoy this simplicity without manic thoughts of Things That Must Be Done.
I want the freedom to meet up with the girls on a weekly basis (if I’m feeling up to it… I also want the freedom to not feel badly about declining when I don’t) and really enjoy those glasses of red wine, along with the bond that develops over fabulous (and not so much) conversation.
I want snuggle time with each of the kids that doesn’t feel forced and fake. I want the same with my husband (minus any expectations from any of them).
I want the ability to go and do “crazy” things now & again with those who will enjoy them with me. Rock climbing, laser tag (better yet, paint ball! Have always wanted to try it!), ecstatic dancing in the rain… on the beach, a silent retreat… nothing but me & nature with some writing and photography implements, gathering a fun group of adults who love board games as much as I do.
I want to decorate my home in a way that sings to me and doesn’t feel stifled and dry. Striving for perfection is no fucking fun.
I want to be able to let loose and just be ridiculously silly, with no thought of what ANYONE else *might* think. I want to invite insane amounts of fun into my life. Right Now.
I want to do group exercise classes. Nia, Tai Chi, Yoga, Zumba, ecstatic dance, Body Flow, belly dancing and probably at least half a dozen others!
I want to go to Havi’s Shivanauticon and bring it back to Florida so that I can teach Shiva Nata locally.
I want to create My Mosaic Life’s very own ‘Freedom Forest’ (name is up in the air… The Dragonfly Playground has also been tossed around ).
I want to enjoy of the moments of my days, rather than waiting for cave days to feel re-fueled. I want to refill in the moment.
I want to like what I like, dammit. I want to not feel the need to explain or apologize for being into crystals, dragonflies, magick, Breaking Benjamin & Linkin Park, tattoos, or any of the other fabulicious stuff that I dig. I don’t seem to fit into either the hard-core group or to the airy-fairy group. I’m somewhere in the middle and I LOVE THAT.
I want to recognize, appreciate and feel lusciousness (in some form) every single day. No exceptions. Life is too short for anything less.

That’s a short list. I am sure I can and will add to it.

I would *SO* love if you would add your own list in the comments below, or on the Facebook page.

Tell me, gorgeous…. if you were free to want what you want… what would you want?!?!

Filed Under: Being Real, Simplicity

March 28, 2012 By Angel

Remember that song? (I learned it in Sunday School.)

“This little light of miiiiiiine. I’m gonna let it shiiiiine. This little light of miiiiine. I’m gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”

That’s what popped into my mind as I was browsing through my pictures & came across this one.

It looks like such a tiny little light in the midst of all that darkness, doesn’t it??

Well…

It is a tiny little light.

(just like each of us, alone, is a tiny little light out in the world)

And often there seems to be a whole shitload of darkness.

Sometimes, so much darkness that it feels like it’s only a matter of time before it swallows up our tiny little light.

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I remember another line from that song…

“Hide it under a bushel? NO! I’m gonna let it shine….”

That’s so much easier said than done, though, isn’t it????

We don’t want to hide our light from everyone else…. not really.

(but we also don’t want to put our light out there only to have it be stomped out by others who might not like the heat coming off of it)

What to do?

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This is one of the primary reasons we crave community of like-minded sisters so much.

We know, somewhere deep inside, that together we really are stronger.

The light of a thousand flames (or even ten!) is so much brighter than the light of any one flame alone.

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So.

I have a year-long program in the works (it’s actually pushing to be born, so I guess I need to stop talking and start acting ). One that will bring together a unique (and small-ish!) group of delicate & wild flames.

We’ll take a digital journey together from months 1-11 (details coming). Month 12, and the program, will culminate in an in-person retreat & meet-up.

It’s gonna be all about deep rest and deep play. About finding and creating meaning. About pulling together the pieces of your life on your terms. About deep connection (to self, others, and mama earth).

I am abso-smurfly-terrified of this. So if you’re feeling some fear around the idea of something that feels so big, know that you’re not alone.

I would ask, though, that if you have any (even vague) niggling feeling that you might be meant to be a part of this group… and this experience… sign up (in the top right hand corner of this page) to be on the ‘special goodies’ list so that you’re among the first to hear about it (and any discounts I create especially for that list!).

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And in the meantime… tell me how you remind yourself (because we all forget!) that your little light is made of magicks…

Filed Under: Beauty, Being Real

February 22, 2012 By Angel

My Creative Business Genius session for this week (idea for these came from Andrea of ABC Creativity, who is genius herself..) revolved around the idea of being open for blooming. About being connected to Source and allowing that connection to be fused with a ‘blooming-into-essence’… and how that will lead to the comfort, simplicity, warmth/safety, and abundance that I’m craving.

Doesn’t that just sound delicious?

It dawned on me that this ought to be a naturally occurring phenomena… right? Each of us fostering our connection with whatever we hold sacred, and allowing ourselves to bloom and develop within that connection.

And yet.

That’s often not what happens.

Often, instead, we find ourselves pushing down the things that we hold dear. Pushing them away in favor of ‘living in the real world’.

That’s so painful.

Painful not only for the person doing the pushing away, but for everyone around her.

As though we can each feel the path that might have been, slowly fading from possibility.

Except.

Except that it doesn’t.

Not really.

The path that might have been may not always remain in the same state, but there are always other paths.

Always other doorways that open once we make the decision to stop ‘living in the real world’ (whatever that is, and by whichever standards currently judge it to be so).

There are always opportunities to do and be who and what we really are.

With each day.

Hell, with each breath.

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With this, my breath, I am choosing now.

What will you choose?

Filed Under: Being Real, Growth

February 15, 2012 By Angel

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

Like when my legs are sore from 17 minutes of Nia two days after doing it (though I feel I *should* be able to get through an hour, easy).
~Why don’t I just sit around on my ass all day, as is my natural tendency anyway, and not get embarrassed… and not feel silly for being able to do so little right now?

Or when I got all the way through a nearly year-long crystal healer training class and don’t do the very last homework assignment (thus not getting certified).
~Why did I put all that time and energy in.. why didn’t I just pick up a couple of books & try to teach myself?

Or when I left my stable IT job to strike out on my own & create Simply Juicy Websites for folks.. I’m always afraid I don’t know enough HTML, CSS & PHP to be able to do what I really want to do with it..
~Why didn’t I just stay in my soul-sucking job & at least have steady money coming in… and plenty of it?

Or when I try to work on all of my ‘stuff’ around money, mommy-issues, daughter-issues, trust, being good-enough.. only to find that I still suck in all these areas.
~Why don’t I just drown my ‘stuff’ in oreos, pizza rolls, soda & some good art journaling instead?

And then I think:

Oh wait. I remember! I bother because life without meaning is fucking pointless and empty. Life without meaning lacks any kind of sparkle, juice, oomph. All these things I do give meaning to my life (and by god to the lives of others, if I’m to believe half of what I’m told about my contributions).

Because doing 17 minutes of Nia is better than sitting on my ass all day. Because my body feels good and thanks me in a hundred different ways when I move and stretch and allow it to be free.

Because I wanted to learn from a really fantastic teacher (which, I did) and have the connection of some super-cool classmates (totally did). I also wanted to take it seriously and go for the cert. (Did, and dammit I will!)

Because I was crying at work every fucking day, and wondering why the hell I was wasting my time and energy on something that means nothing to me. And because anything worth doing is worth putting the time into learning.. which I also am. (Better every day, baby… aren’t we all?)

Because at least I am actively working on geting through all this shit, and making my relationships better. Making life better for those around me, at least a teensy bit, in the process.

Oh yeah… that’s right.

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Why do you bother?

What meaning would you be missing out on if you didn’t?

Filed Under: Being Real, Meaning, Noticing

February 1, 2012 By Angel

There are some things that I need to say, and I understand that “when you’ve got something you truly need to say, there is someone who truly needs to hear it” (paraphrasing Marianne Williamson, as usual. God I adore her…).

First….I don’t know about you but I have had it up to here (please picture me standing with one hand on my hip and the other hand over my head. Thank you kindly. Carry on.) with all this bullshit craziness around sports/tv/movie/music ‘stars’.

Listen… here’s a news flash… they’re people too. They eat. They drink. They shit.

They do all the same stuff that you & I do every day.

They’ve got a gift that they’re sharing with the world.

You have a gift that you could share with the world (your world, at least) too.

They’re not special in any meaning of the word, no more than you are.

Find your gift and fucking share it, already.

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Speaking of your gift….

There is no one outside of you who can tell you any more than you already know yourself.

Right now.

You are the number one best authority on you. If anyone tells you otherwise, they’re lying.

This can suck, huge.

I know from personal experience how much this can suck. The Fabulous Fabeku could tell you stories about how I know that this sucks. He’s been hearing me whine, in various ways, about how I don’t know what to do & don’t know who I am (etc… etc… blah blah blah) for going on nearly a year now.

Seriously, I don’t know how he tolerated it (but he did, because he’s the Fabulous Fabeku).

I get it… It’s so much easier to sit around and hope that someone is going to come along (someday!!) and tell you what you need to know so that you can really start living your life.

But guess what?

Your life is already going on, with or without you fully present in it.

I mean, really… There comes a point when we all have to put on our big girl panties and get with the fucking program already. There is too much shit going on in the world. We no longer have the luxury of sitting by idly as things fall apart.

Wake the fuck up.

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Speaking of waking up…

Have you ever noticed that when you’re truly present in the moments of your life, that things don’t feel as shitty as they otherwise can?

I know, we hear it from gurus left & right.

Be Here Now

The Power of Now

Loving What Is

Brilliant teachers, all (by the way, there are no affiliate links in this post).

Ya know what, though?

They’re all right!!

When you’re able to be absolutely present in the moments of your life, the moments (and thus your life… stay with me, here) come alive in a way that’s indescribable.

Now. I hear ya… It can be hard work re-learning to be present (though let’s note right here & now it’s nowhere near impossible by any means).

Pretty much anyone who’s able to read this right now has had the natural talent to be present conditioned out of them by family, society, etc…

That’s no excuse for not practicing, starting now, to be present with individual moments.

Just try it.

Use whatever method you like (psst! There are some fantastic methods in the new Martha Beck book Finding Your Way in a Wild New World: Reclaim Your True Nature to Create the Life You Want).

Just Do It.

Start Now.

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To summarize:

Find your gift and fucking share it, already. No more excuses! No more hiding out in fear!
You are the number 1 best authority on you. If anyone tells you differently, they’re lying. (It can absolutely be helpful to have a mentor – or 3 – to point out your blind spots to you… but you are the ultimate authority. You know when you’re hiding out, when you’re holding back, and when you’re not being honest.)
When you’re able to be absolutely present in the moments of your life, the moments come alive in a way that’s indescribable. Try it. You’ll see.

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So… where ya at?

Love it?

Hate it?

I’d love to hear about it either way.

Two rules:

Don’t be a jerk
Tell me how you feel. I don’t want to hear your mind chatter. I want to hear your heart murmurs. Be brave. Go there.

Filed Under: Being Real, Noticing, Simplicity

January 11, 2012 By Angel 25 Comments

So, I had a one-on-one call with Amy Oscar Monday (as part of the Soul Caller Training, which I very much love!!).

To say that it shook my world, then made it all stand still for a moment… would not be an overstatement (more on that soon).

One of the things that she said that really hit me (if only because I know like I know like I know it to be fully true) is that everything around us is a sign. It’s all mirrors. Anything from the song that really catches the attention, to a particular feeling in the body, whatever.

I knew this to be true myself, but had (temporarily) forgotten.

Today, I recognized that I’ve been SO super itchy that I can hardly tolerate it… The tops of my feet itch. My eyelids itch. My head itches (no, I don’t have the buggies!!). My back itches. I mean, seriously people… I’m itchy!

I remembered seeing the skin around my eyes actually peeling earlier today.

So I stopped & thought about it this evening.

When I’m itchy & peeling, what do I do to work it out?

Well, I exfoliate the hell out of every part of my skin that I can reach… and then I moisturize it all.

Okey dokey… that part’s easy (and done… so much better for the moment!).

I realized, though, that I’m also itchy emotionally and mentally.

I’m really feeling like a snake shedding its skin.

There’s so much growth that’s been going on (and continues to happen) under the exterior. It appears, now, that it’s time for the newer me to begin to emerge.

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This newer me is much wiser than I have been in the past. She’s also ready for fun and silliness at a moments notice.

She’s fiercely dedicated to being herself, and to being honest about her life & process (even when she screws up).

She’s passionately devoted to finding and creating meaning in her own life, and in the lives of those she serves (via any medium).

I am really excited to meet her.

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In order to help facilitate the process of birthing her, rather than busying myself with anything (everything!) that will distract me from the discomfort that goes along with this process… I promise to allow for it.

I’ll sit with it. I’ll ask my heart what it wants right now. I’ll write about the process and how I’m feeling when I need that.

In other words, I won’t suddenly have cleaner closets and sock drawers because of this process… that’s kind of a bummer but it’s also really good news. I see the process that’s happening and coming up… and I’m good with it. I want the end-result so I can hang with the work.

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I’d really love to hear about what mirrors you’re seeing in your life this week.

What are you noticing?

What is life trying to reach out and tell you?

Filed Under: Being Real, Magic, Noticing

December 13, 2011 By Angel 7 Comments

I had this post written for today… It was about carnivals & funhouse mirrors.

It was all to illustrate a particular point.

See, I have this theory…

Actually, that’s bullshit.

It’s not a theory, and a spade is a spade.

Here’s what I know to be true. (Ready? It’s a big one.)

When you wake up and look at life, life wakes up and looks back at you.

Yep.

(Does that feel profound? If not, keep reading.)

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I decided just over a week ago that I was going to use everything in my life as a mirror.

This meant that I was going to hold up everything that caught my attention, everything I noticed about happenings in my daily life as well as larger events overall… and then use these things and events as a jumping off point for questions to myself.

For example, I mentioned in my last post that I’d kept telling my kids “you’re not listening!!”. This struck me, once I started paying attention, as a mirror for myself because when my kids didn’t listen to me it really made me crazy. It was something that got under my skin with a quickness.

After considering what this meant if I looked at where I’M not listening… it dawned on me that I’d not been hearing the whispers of my soul, and the longings of my heart. No WONDER I wasn’t feeling heard by others. I wasn’t fucking listening to myself!!!!!!!

Well holy shit does that change things….! (Because, you know, you can’t change a pattern that you can’t see…)

Now I’m seeing this pattern, and not only am I working on listening better (to myself, to my Self, and to all of life)… I’m also on the lookout for those mirrors.

And I’m seeing them EVERYWHERE.

I’ve woken up to look at life, and sure enough…. life is looking back.

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Where are you awake in your life? (Where do you notice mirrors already?)

What kinds of things make you so crazy mad that you go from zero to pissed in 2 seconds flat?

Filed Under: Being Real, Magic, Noticing

December 9, 2011 By Angel 9 Comments

Do you remember the movie American Beauty?

I remember the first time I saw it. One of the (many) things that really grabbed my attention with this movie was the line:

“Look closer; there is beauty all around.”

The whole thing was about looking at everything around us more deeply, rather than at just a surface level.

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I’m looking at things more deeply these days.

I’m seeing everything around, and within, me as a mirror… and though it can be uncomfortable (painful, even) it’s also beyond beautiful.

These ‘mirrors’ are anything that’s being held up in front of my conscious awareness for me to look at and deal with in whatever way it needs.

Hearing myself telling my kids repeatedly “You’re not listening!!!!”.

Hearing myself telling women in The Morning Whip (which I cannot recommend highly enough, and this is not an affiliate link) ”I’m not being heard out there!!!”.

Whining about not knowing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing here, and for whom (it’s been a moving target, chicky.. what can I say?!).

It finally dawned on me (after help from the always fabulous Fabeku) that not only did I already know (with a striking clarity), but I was holding myself back all along.

I had not been listening to the whispers of my soul, the longings of my heart.

I’d been betraying what is most important to me.

Sucks, huh?

How often we each do that to ourselves.

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Do me a favor, will you?

Watch this…

Now watch one more time.

Look closer this time.

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