Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
Like when my legs are sore from 17 minutes of Nia two days after doing it (though I feel I *should* be able to get through an hour, easy).
~Why don’t I just sit around on my ass all day, as is my natural tendency anyway, and not get embarrassed… and not feel silly for being able to do so little right now?
Or when I got all the way through a nearly year-long crystal healer training class and don’t do the very last homework assignment (thus not getting certified).
~Why did I put all that time and energy in.. why didn’t I just pick up a couple of books & try to teach myself?
Or when I left my stable IT job to strike out on my own & create Simply Juicy Websites for folks.. I’m always afraid I don’t know enough HTML, CSS & PHP to be able to do what I really want to do with it..
~Why didn’t I just stay in my soul-sucking job & at least have steady money coming in… and plenty of it?
Or when I try to work on all of my ‘stuff’ around money, mommy-issues, daughter-issues, trust, being good-enough.. only to find that I still suck in all these areas.
~Why don’t I just drown my ‘stuff’ in oreos, pizza rolls, soda & some good art journaling instead?
And then I think:
Oh wait. I remember! I bother because life without meaning is fucking pointless and empty. Life without meaning lacks any kind of sparkle, juice, oomph. All these things I do give meaning to my life (and by god to the lives of others, if I’m to believe half of what I’m told about my contributions).
Because doing 17 minutes of Nia is better than sitting on my ass all day. Because my body feels good and thanks me in a hundred different ways when I move and stretch and allow it to be free.
Because I wanted to learn from a really fantastic teacher (which, I did) and have the connection of some super-cool classmates (totally did). I also wanted to take it seriously and go for the cert. (Did, and dammit I will!)
Because I was crying at work every fucking day, and wondering why the hell I was wasting my time and energy on something that means nothing to me. And because anything worth doing is worth putting the time into learning.. which I also am. (Better every day, baby… aren’t we all?)
Because at least I am actively working on geting through all this shit, and making my relationships better. Making life better for those around me, at least a teensy bit, in the process.
Oh yeah… that’s right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do you bother?
What meaning would you be missing out on if you didn’t?
Honestly? Right now, I have no freakin’ idea why I’m bothering. I try to face stuff, I try to deal with stuff, I try to release stuff, I try to come to terms with new truths I’ve discovered about my life, I try to heal from stuff, I try to accept certain things… and all I’m getting is pain and more pain and more pain.
People tell me this will all be worth it, that healing will come from this.
And I know, from past experience, it’s true. I know, intellectually, it’s true. I know I’m on another part of my ‘spiral of life’ that’s very painful and hard, but it will pass if I can just hang in there, and then I’ll find myself on a new part of the spiral, a better part, with more healing and more acceptance and more peace from it all.
But still… right now I just want to say fuck that. I’m tired of the gut-wrenching sobs. I’m tired of feeling like pure crap inside in order to try to get to a place of feeling better. I really am thinking – what is the point? Why not just keep this stuff, and all the feelings associated with this stuff, buried deep inside and just stop trying to deal with it or heal from it?
And my little business? Why bother? So many people do what I do, offer what I offer. And if I don’t write something, it’ll get written by someone else. So why bother with any of that too? It feels like it’s work I’m supposed to be doing, and most of it is work I love doing… but maybe I’m just kidding myself.
Yes, I’m trying to make my life better. I’m trying to live my purpose. I’m trying to live a life of meaning. But right now it seems like it’s just not going to happen no matter what I try, no matter how hard I try, and I’m just so freakin’ tired of trying at all. I’m tired of trying to struggle through the hurt and pain to get to the better place.
I guess the bottom line for me right now, is that I bother because I haven’t yet totally given up hope that this will all turn out to be worth it.
You help keep my hope going, Angel, and I’m grateful for that – I’m grateful for your reminders that there is a point, there are always things to be grateful about, and that it’s worth it to keep bothering.
oh, my Gin..
Though we’ve never met in person, i have always sensed that you’re a kindred… and as such i feel so much love and adoration for you & what you’re doing on your journey.
i’m sending all of that love on the wings of the dragonflies of much magicks, and asking that my angels and yours surround you with all the love in this universe.. and help you to feel the peace of heart that feeds us all….
you are so, so, SO loved my gorgeous friend. <3
i can make myself available if you want to skype later.. just say the word.
Thank you for this, Angel. So much. ♥ I’m sending you an email…
I bother because there’s some part of me that believes I wouldn’t have such a strong desire to do the work I do unless there was a Greater Meaning for it.
I bother because I always remember the times I had a part in helping someone find more of themselves… appreciate more of themselves.
I bother because when I do the work I think is for someone else, it always ends up being what I needed for me too.
I bother because I can’t get enough of the thrill of truly inspired moments.
I bother because I’d rather feel the pain than feel nothing at all.
Yes.
A thousand times, yes.
Your response brought to me a deep, deep breath… and then a letting go of that same breath.
Yet again, the work you’re doing is impacting others in a gorgeously meaningful way. Don’t forget that <3
I bother because I know in my heart that I can support my family with my intuition and ideas.
I bother because every time I say ‘What’s the point? I can’t do this.’ I undermine the faith of every single person who believes that I can.
I bother because I remember the feeling of being in a meaningless job and being worn down and negative All. The. Time.
This doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle. I have private battles inside, I cry and worry and panic.
Then I pick up a paintbrush. Or a crayon. Or a marker. And create something no one else could create exactly the way I can.
Res, non verba. Creo. Motus audax.
Ohhh yes yes yes. <3
There isn’t a single thing about this response that i don’t love (except that I can’t f’ing read latin, woman!)
And I told you yesterday what both phrases meant.
Right and I made a point of saying the above for those who weren’t at our super fab lunch yesterday
(unless you don’t want to share, in which case i guess they’d just have to look it up themselves! lol)
*MY* interpretation:
Res, non verba. Creo.: Actions, not words. Create. In other words, stop talking about it and do it already.
Motus audax.: Bold movement, which is my essence/superpower.
The former is a tattoo on my left wrist. The latter will be a tattoo below the first sometime soon.
Why bother and its kissing cousin “oh bother” ala Eeyore are always there, lurking on the edges of my mind. I bother because my son and my husband inspire me to be a bit better every single day. I bother because I am worth it, I bother because not caring is too deceptively, insidiously easy. I bother because Rome wasn’t built in a day but someone had to lay down that first brick and get the party started. I bother because being invested is more fun, more juicy, more vibrant, and more delicious. Awesome post Angel!
Kissing cousin, ‘oh bother’
FABULOUS!
I think that’s even more fabulous because there’s been a time or two (ahem) in my life when I’ve been called Eeyore
Oh I think I need to take all of these responses and put them into a free .pdf or something.. you guys are rocking this!
<3
(psst.. .and you ARE so worth it
)
I bother because I am miserable when I don’t and that isn’t a place I want to return to.
I bother because I have a little girl on the way and I want to show her she can do whatever she believes in and she has the power to make herself happy.
I bother because even when I don’t believe in myself I have a whole community of people who do.
Your post was a reminder of where I’ve been, where I am, and how far I’ve come so thank you for the spark to get me thinking!
Ugh… I know that place Ashley, and good for you for seeing it and saying ‘hell no!’
Little girl on the way!! Big congrats!! <3
This was full of gorgeous… so grateful you stopped by!
Wow. Talk about showing up Naked to the Party. …
You voice what so many of us have thought, or are currently thinking. And many are not willing to be as vulnerable and honest as you.
This struggle is part of human nature, I think. I echo you; I echo Bri. We bother, as a people, because deep down, we want More, Better, Juice. We Want It All.
Thank you for your honesty. ((( )))
LOL
Like Steve Jobs said.. we’re all already naked anyway, right??
Really appreciate the love here, Marita <3
It is part of human nature, absolutely… and that’s why it’s so important to shine the light on it!
We do want it all… life without the juice is too damn dry..
thanks for being here!
First off- YOU ROCK ANGEL!!!!
I love how you show up an speak your truth so clearly!!
AND you always make me think and smile.
Why do I bother??? Because I can’t stand to feel constricted. I have to be ever expanding, growing , and evolving into myself…further and further along my path.
When I don’t bother and decide to settle for sucky crap I feel irritated, angry and pissed off. And no one likes to be around me then….not even me.
I bother because my life is meant to feel totally KICK-ASS and I’m willing to step outside my comfort zone to allow all the juicy goodness in.
Big <3 to you!
Leah
thanks tons, Leah… means an extra special lot coming from you
glad i make you think… very happy i make you smile!
UGH. i hate that constricted feeling… YES, evolving into self.. yes yes!
fabulous! full of so much fabulous.. thanks Leah!
Why Bother is a thought that creeps up on me when I’m tired and frustrated, it sneaks in and whispers in my ear, normally accompanied by its friends You’re a FAILURE and You suck! It tempts with promises of things being easier if you stop; but it hides away all the horrible feelings you were experiencing before you decided to make a change. It makes the positives invisible until The Voice of Reason and steps up to give Why Bother a smack and send it and all its lousy friends packing.
I bother because I believe I am making a difference, because I truly love what I do and because I may be just one person; but I’m damn well going to live the life I choose. That’s why I bother!
Great post, thank you for making me feel all motivated and fired up remembering why I bother. Now I’m off to change the world….
You’re right Claire.. it totally sneaks up when tired & frustrated.. for me too!
LOL… *LOVE* that imagery of the Voice of Reason stepping up and smacking Why Bother upside the head!!!
You are just one person, but do you know the starfish story? The boy making a difference ‘to that one’? Yeah, that <3
So glad you were here… go rock it chicky!
Thanks Angel. No I don’t know the starfish story – I’d love to hear it!
Oh wow! Happy to share it with you, then…. <3
http://oasisschoolsliaison.edublogs.org/2011/08/18/the-starfish-story-by-loren-eisley/
I would re-frame the question “why do you bother?” into:
“Why do you care?”
Is it fucking difficult as you say it is? YES. Hell it is but I would not have it any other way. Because once you taste truth you can’t go back. Because when your wings start flapping, you might not know how to fly yet but you have been set free. Lovely, Angel, lovely.
Ohhhh, your words are always magic.
i always look forward to them! <3
Wings flapping… that imagery will stick in my mind…
Gorgeousness.
I bother as an example for my kids. For all the reasons you said, too, Angel — and to model those reasons for my little ones. I would not wish a meaningless existence on anyone, and (like every mama) I want the best of the best for them. I bother so that they will bother…and reach and strive and create and live BIG! Still, it gets hard sometimes, even with the two sweetest and cutest little motivators around. The other day, I actually heard myself saying, “why do I even bother” about something ridiculous and petty, like cleaning the floor. That’s when I sat them down and said, “You know what? I bother because I care. That’s what we do, and we can be proud of that.”
Yes… that’s one I’m working on myself (modeling these things to the littles).
“That’s what we do, and we can be proud of that.” YES
I need that tattoo on my forehead
<3
So… I posted a response already – a couple of days ago, on a really difficult day in the middle of what’s been a really difficult week during a really difficult month. One wave after another crashing over me, knocking me down again before I’ve even had a chance to get my footing.
Then tonight I was looking at something on another site, and for some reason this post popped into my mind – and with sudden clarity I realized the true answer for me…
I bother because I matter.
Oh Gin!!!
I’m so grateful that you came back and declared this.
You *so* do matter…
(Pssst! You posting this when you did also had an effect on ME. So.. thanks for that too
)
<3
Bother is action. I like to veg. But if my life were full of minutes of nothing to do then I would go bonkers. Sometimes the quiet contemplative life bothers me. It gets too quiet. And the funny thing is, when I am doing nothing. Nothing is mattering to me. The voices that want to hold me down are silent because I am doing what they want me to do.
The internal editor has nothing to say because she thinks I have finally understood her grueling repetition of my failures.
The Worry wort has no comments because when you are doing nothing. And chosing nothing then there is no chance of fucking it up. Really? HOW can you fuck up nothing?
The Echoes of Things Those Other People said are quiet too. If I am doing nothing then their job is done. It looks like they are keeping me down. So there is no need to keep up the sermon of my inferiority.
It is just when I grab at something. I had my essential plot for NaNoWriMo this year. Not a word formed under the title. I have an entrane application for art shows to a large event in the area. If I think about picking up a pen to fill it out the voices start. So I go hide and wait til they aren’t looking. But they always are looking.
Why do I hold myself back? Why do I bother? I bother to defy those things that hold me down. I am screaming at the top of my lungs that I matter because if I believe it enough then I will drown out the other voices. My barbaric yawp will evnetually cow the Echoes into submission.
Won’t it?
We matter. We exist. I matter. I exist. I have a purpose. I do not have to save the world, the dolphins or yellow fin tuna. I do not have to replant the Brazillian Rainforest. I only have to be who I am and let the rest take care of itself.
We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we matter. And that is the only reason to bother.
Sherry… this is awesome.
Chicky, I sure do know those voices… i think probably everyone here knows them well
You do matter.
You do have a purpose.
We all do… i totally agree with you.
“I only have to be who I am and let the rest take care of itself”… what a difference it would make if we all truly got that, right down to our toes…
thanks, tons, for stopping by and sharing this… <3