So, I’m part of The Morning Whip this go-round… and my assignment for Thursday was to:
‘Send a text message to the Universe’ regarding the one thing that I need BIG help on… The thing that feels painful and vulnerable.
And then.. to go public with that thing.
(Apologies for this being a bit of a departure from the norm. We’ll return you to your regularly scheduled programming shortly. Promise!).
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Crap. This is hard.
Not hard to choose… I already know exactly what to talk about/ask for help with… because this is the very thing that ultimately made me want to sign up for The Morning Whip.
Dammit.
I don’t want to open up *that* much. At least not right now.
But hell… that’s what we’re all here for, right? We’re taking off our masks, opening our hearts, and sharing with each other in order to help ourselves (and each other!) find the lost & missing pieces…
Arrrggghhh..
If I’m gonna talk the talk, I’d damn well better be able to walk the walk.
Right chicky?
Ok, here goes then…
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I need help with getting myself (my real self… my true self and corresponding voice) out there in front of the people who will resonate with what I have to say. Specifically, I need some internal help with the actual reaching out part. I also need some internal help with being brave enough to speak with only my true voice. I also need for others to help me spread the word if they find that what I do and talk about touches them.
These are all related.
Here’s how…
I remember in high school… I had a friend that I used to ride to and from school with each day. She had a cousin who was younger than us but also rode with us. We were all buddies.
Or so I believed.
One hot Florida day I walked out to the parking lot to hop in the car with them, only to be confronted by (let’s call her) Grace. Apparently her cousin (we’ll call her) Sheryl had been commenting on how much I tried to join in on things that were going on with the group (which I thought was totally normal… There’s something going on in which the group of buddies is involved, so the group of buddies is involved. Apparently I was wrong.). Grace ended up telling me how fed up she was with me and how I was always asking to join in and be part of whatever was going on, including the rides to and from school.
I walked home that day, filled with such shame and rage that my face still heats up to this day when I remember it (and ladies… this has now been approximately 20 years. Yes.).
Now… sadly, I did not get my lesson that day as this has been something that’s repeated at least once or twice since then (I can remember at least one other incident very clearly as well).
However… I *did* finally get the lesson, and I just more or less stopped reaching out.
It was too fucking painful to be rejected, and to be told that I wasn’t wanted.
god i cannot believe that I’m actually, publicly, writing about this…
I became very closed off (though I was already a bit quiet and closed off to begin with… so this was not helpful in the slightest), and stopped speaking up about pretty much anything.
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Even now, I’m super wary about posting things on Facebook etc… even if I have very strong feelings about whatever the topic is.
Why, you ask?
Because I’m terrified that there’s going to be someone smarter, better informed, who understands the big picture more completely than I do… and that that person will bash me for being an uninformed idiot speaking out of turn.
How DARE I speak my truth?!?!
How DARE I reach out?!?!
How DARE I reach out to others in order to SHARE MY TRUTH?!?!
Oh HELL NO (says the voice of Cowardly Corrinne – who is one of my “Negative Nelly’s”). This is not safe!
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And unfortunately, this is one of my own things… This is part of my own *stuff* and so I have no wise words to share… No larger lesson learned (yet).
I’m simply standing here before you all, quivering… with my soul bared.
I’m feeling surprisingly raw, and teary with embarrassment.
I ‘should’ be over this by now (ahem… sound familiar, anyone?? 
).
Alas… I am not.
This is my ‘Text Message to the Universe’.
I need help.
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Anyone else have a similar story?
Any other ways in which you’ve felt left out in the cold? (How did you deal with it, and has it healed?)
There’s no “should”. It’s 100% okay to still be grappling with those feeling as a grownup, and lots of people share the shame. I have a couple of distinct memories in which people made no bones about telling me that I was stuck up and a know-it-all because I wanted to help people with their problems. Lots of “what makes you think you know better” and “you have no right”. But something small in the back of my mind ignored that crap and went on to make a business out of it, EVEN THOUGH my Self at the time (and for years after) crumpled and backed away.
Healing starts with acknowledgement. And that’s precisely what you’ve done here.
Nope, you’re absolutely right…. there is no ‘should’, and I tell others that regularly!
Funny how that kind of thing happens
Thanks for your words and for stopping by here last week Ellie…. you’re so appreciated <3
As you stand there trembling, Angel, I stand here seeing incredible beauty in your courage and vulnerability… and STRENGTH. Yes, STRENGTH. Because you’re right… what you’re doing here is not safe, and that’s exactly why most people stay back from that edge and rob themselves of the experience of getting to know who they REALLY are. You putting your request out here is such a gift to yourself. And to us, really… to see the work you’re doing publicly, real-time.
So I offer you something… because as I read your post I thought “omg, I wonder if THIS is why we stumbled across each other?!?” Today I am rolling out my new service offering: creativity coaching.. and it’s all about helping people find and express their truest voice. And if I can be some small part in helping YOU find and OWN and express your own f’in amazing voice, I would be so honored. SO HONORED. Email me starlaking@comcast.net if you want to talk more about that.
In the meantime, I once again offer a blog post in response, because I’ve been where you are. And I still go where you are because I get really brave and find and own and express my voice and then wonder what in the world I was thinking being so bold and egotistical and blah blah blah blah (you know the deal). http://outwriteliving.com/2011/05/its-all-about-you/
And yes, I have been left out in the cold… more than once… like having my best friend tell me … YEARS after coming out to her, when I thought we had maybe come to some shared acceptance of me being gay… that she didn’t want me around her children and that I was not welcome in her home, but she could meet me for coffee somewhere outside of her home. And what did I do? I got pissed. Because I was hurt and let myself feel “less than” because of her reaction to WHO I AM. And then I spoke my truth (in an email because, I admit, I was to chicken and too emotionally tired to have a phone conversation about this with her). I told her that I knew she was honoring her own beliefs, and that I admired her sticking up for that even though I knew it must be painful for her. And I told her that I needed her to know that from my vantage point, her response felt like judgment and anything but love… and that if I’m not welcome in her home, I’m not staying in her life. I told her it broke my heart to say that, but that we each have our own beliefs that we need to honor.
So… anyway… here I am… still alive, still hurt a bit, but I’m smiling.
xo!!!!!
Hey you…. so grateful to you for being here and for sharing all that you do…
Truly <3
(Also loved this post and love that you share those with us too… so often they’re just PERFECT!)
I have to tell you, when I first read your story above… I got a little bit teary… ok, and a little bit indignant. I also wanted to tell you that you and Sandy would be welcome in my home any time. Any. Time. I’d also even offer to cook both your favorite meals (though you might both prefer that we order in…. I’m not… ahem… the worlds best cook
).
<3
Me too. For me it was a 6th grade girl, let’s call her Juicy Momenchance (which is a phonetic play on her real name… because I secretly WANT her to stumble across this comment and know the shame of being the meanest mean girl in the universe.)
When I realized that everyone else in the class was invited to her birthday party- even the boys – it was so completely outrageous (under the sixth grade code of conduct) that I bravely asked her if maybe she had accidentally forgotten about me. “No,” she assured me. “I don’t like you and I don’t want you at my party.”
Even after therapy. Even after forgiveness rituals. Even though I am 54 years old and an ‘expert’ on transformation and empowerment. Even now, when I think about that, it aches a little bit.
But here’s what I know now: 1) there is a party where I do belong. 2) Mean people just suck. But they are also gatekeepers. I don’t want to go to any party where I’m not welcome – and where there isn’t resonance with me AS I AM. The me that doesn’t need to change in any way in order to fit in. That little girl with her yarn wrapped pigtails was intuitive enough to SEE that I would not fit in. She taught me early and clearly who I was gonna be: a person who welcomed everyone into the circle; a person who took care with other people’s feelings.
“mean people are gatekeepers.” That’s brilliant!
for me, it was a girl in highschool who used to write love letters back and forth with me until one day she didn’t want to hang out anymore and instead shared all those letters to people and laughed about them…
I was talking to a friend about being hurt in those kinds of ways by people who then just carry on like nothing happened while your heart is shattered and you spend the rest of your life with a damaged sense of yourself and i thought it was all about how unfair it is and how we don’t know our own power to damage one another and he pointed out to me how i might also, even somewhat, feel envy that she could do such a thing and then be so non plussed by it all – here i am, a total, emotional wreck – and her? like it never happened…envy that she wasn’t so overwhelmed by my potential feelings to just go where she felt compelled to go.
not that i want to become the kind of person who doesn’t care about hurting others – I know, in my wisdom there’s a difference between speaking from your true voice and having no empathic filters, but, in my pain – i see how she doesn’t modify herself to suit others and in my own overwhelm of human interactions I lost my sense of that being ok for me…
I envy their audacity to speak their minds – which isn’t the same as envying the state of mind they’ve decided to speak…but I’ve been so scared that if i spoke my mind i’d be like them that i’ve learned to acquiesce, to feel shame for my earnestness – and, yes, that feeling like someone who knows better will ask me who i think i am….
who wants to be caught on the end of that question without an answer?
and then there are people who have an ease with ‘no’ and ‘i don’t like you’ and how many times have i wished i had that same freedom to just not hang out with the people i don’t click with but couldn’t bring myself to use my voice – couldn’t even think of how the erinversion of that conversation would go. it made me think that a lot of my frustration and anger and pain seemed to be telling me that other people using their voice directly leads to me not being able to use mine – so, therefore, no one should use their voice – including me, for the good of all people’s feelings. so don’t bother learning the sound of your own voice or the shape of your own choices…
we all know how that ends…
slowly by slowly i’m learning a different lesson from the same pain. Instead of my hurt and wounds leading me in circles around ‘why???’ i’m letting my envy be the curiosity-fueled uncovering of what it sounds like to be me – and in that way i’m experiencing how these mean people have been my gatekeepers – to finer edges of clarity and freedom in myself.
may your reaching out be blessed, Angel – thank you for provoking this conversation, too.
much love,
E.
Wow… Erin too… I love your writing!
And what an interesting perspective… envying the audacity of those who speak their minds without thought for how it’d affect someone else… That actually made me stop and think about it for myself….
So grateful that you reached out and replied to this as well…. I’m late on my response, but this was so appreciated that very day (even while I was hiding out)
<3
Wow… Amy…
a) I love your writing style
b) the ‘gatekeepers’ analogy is brilliant, and totally hits home
c) I so love what you turned the experience into…..
thanks so much for your response!!
<3
You did it! Naked true self sitting right there
) And it’s fine! Your write really honestly, the experience sounds painful but also sounds like ‘Grace’ was not a very kind person and didn’t understand you at all. Hope you have kept/ found more true friends who do appreciate you.x
Hi Hazel
You’re totally right! I did do it and it was absolutely fine… Not only that, I feel tons better (and stronger!) after having done it….
Thanks so much for being here….!!!
<3
i am so grateful for you. i know (no, I mean I REALLY know) how hard it is to be willing to let the deepest, most true parts of ourselves shine (because these parts also feel the most vulnerable). It can be painful, it can be as scary as hell … and yet it can be so empowering, so rich, so full of “hell yes, I did it!” energy that i truly believe it is worth the pain. It feels to me like we are in such a pivotal shift in energy right now that more and more of us are being called to do EXACTLY what you are doing. To be our most real, most true, most honest selves. Know that i am holding your heart and your hand as we both walk this path into shining and sharing our true voices. We can do this sister-friend-of-mine. We can totally do this. Always remember Your Voice Matters. Sent with a big hug! mm
Thanks so much for this My Michelle…
We certainly are in that energy right now… and it just feels so important, and so powerful to actually do the work now rather than talk about it (like I have for sooooo long).
Thanks for this… and for everything <3
Go you for posting this!
I’ve been afraid to ask to join in on stuff for a long time. In school, I always felt on the fringes of the different cliques. Oh, sure, they were nice to me because I’m nice and I’m smart (so I was often asked for help with things), but apparently not good enough to be invited to parties or asked to the dances.
Even now, a big reason why I don’t share my stuff is that same voice that says, ‘Who the fuck do you think you are to think that you can (insert whatever it is), and dare think people are gonna pay money for that?’
Oh, girl. Been struggling there for a long time.
I truly admire your bravery at posting this. And, I want to tell you here that you’re fucking awesome, and you’re welcome to be your most authentic self in my life (not speaking for anyone else, here). You encourage and influence me in ways I’m not sure I grasp yet, and I am blessed.
I love you, chicky. #thatisall
Thanks so much for writing this chicky…
You have *no idea* what this did for me when I read it last week.
Seriously.
Love ya right back <3
Angel this is so hot. And bold. And REAL!
Thanks sweets….
Definitely was real
<3
Been there too. Been bullied, been used, been treated badly then attacked when I said it wasn’t okay. I was made out to be the bad guy and was left wondering how the hell that happen… again – yep, it’s happened more than once. Didn’t learn the first time, obviously.
I am just launching my 2 businesses (www.creativewomensbusiness.com and my art one to follow) and I felt your words as I read them. I thought “someone else has been through this too. Someone else feels this way”. Finding my tribe, my right people (i know you are out there somewhere) and having the courage to put myself “out there” are some of my biggest challenges. What I am learning as I start my creative businesses? There are mean people, selfish people, arrogant people out there who have what you want or need. But there are also some incredibly kind, generous, encouraging souls too. Who want to cheer for you and be on your side. And through the Internet , we can click away, never to return to those soul sucking vampires and surround ourselves with the sisterhood of like minded souls who just get it. We just have to be brave enough to find them *smile*
Big hugs -Coral
SO glad you had that reaction when reading this Coral!!! There are TOTALLY people out there who’ve been through pretty much every single thing we have (whether the circumstances were exactly the same or not.. the feelings underlying them often are!!) and it’s an amazing feeling to reach out and connect with those folks…. That’s so much of what this is all about… making those meaningful connections!!
There are definitely kind, generous and encouraging souls out there too girl… You’ll find lots of them here… hope you come back soon
(By the way… your site is looking really great… looking forward to learning more!!!)
<3
Thank you for being so open and honest and real and brave – for being YOU. I’m holding you real tight in my heart right now – the now-you and the younger-you. And I am encouraging you *so much* as you go forward with living and speaking your truth.
And… oh.my.gosh. I can recognize myself, my experiences, in this post. I almost *never* reach out because I am so afraid of being rejected. I don’t easily share my opinions in situations where I might be ridiculed. So many times I have been left out and excluded, and I have so often felt like I wasn’t wanted as part of ‘the group’.
Facebook… I have my security settings tight, my hometown is not listed, my maiden name is not listed, the nickname I was called in school is not listed, my high school is not listed – all because I don’t want certain people to be able to find me there.
My story? The biggest thing of this type that I haven’t totally healed from was something that happened my senior year of high school – it was the autumn of 1979, so it’s been a while. One weekend I made a friend angry. First thing Monday morning I went to her locker at school and apologized for my part in what happened (she was also at fault, it was a two-way argument). She told me she did not accept my apology and that I’d soon find out how much I’d pay for making her mad. And wow, was she right.
I still don’t know exactly how she did it (although I know she told at least a few mutual friends that she would do to them what she was doing to me if they didn’t go along with her wishes) but I was basically blacklisted. Anyone who knew her, who was friends with her, or wanted to be friends with her, could *not* talk to me. I suddenly had to find a whole different place to eat lunch – alone. Kids who didn’t even usually talk to me anyway totally ignored me from then on. People I used to hang out with? A few of them stayed friends with me, but others turned away. And this went on all the way through the rest of the school year. Months and months of feeling incredibly alone, most people not speaking to me. I felt like a social outcast. I walked through my days at school trying to pull as tight as I could inside of myself.
I’d always been shy, I’d always worried about what people thought of me, I’d always been afraid of making people mad – but my senior year of high school cemented that fear so much that I’ve spent literally decades afraid of revealing too much of myself because I’ve been afraid of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing or making the wrong person angry… because of my fear of what my punishment would be. My fear of being so hugely rejected like that again.
So I’ve kept myself small and mostly kept myself quiet. But the thing is? Doing that didn’t really make any difference either. I still get rejected or not included even when I’m trying to play it safe. So I’ve finally decided that I might as well be me and let myself be heard. (It’s still scary for me, though, and I’m not yet where I want to be with this.)
Even after all these years (and working on my feelings about what happened that year) I still have hurt – although most of the hurt eventually, after a long while, turned to anger. And the anger is still there. I’ve tried to forgive her, I’ve tried to stop feeling angry at her but the fact is that even thinking her name still pisses me off. (And I haven’t even seen her since graduation in 1980.)
It makes me angry at myself too because I’ve allowed that girl to have such an influence on me, and for such a long time. I’ve allowed that experience to form shadows in certain areas of my life. I’ve told very few people about what happened back then – for some reason, I feel ashamed. And I almost didn’t even post this because I started wondering what if that girl somehow found this and read this?? But then I came to my senses… because what the hell could she do to me now?
So I’m long-winded, as usual… but thank you for this post. <3
Oh wow, Gin….
So painful. SO painful.
Ugh.
Keeping this short because I’m so behind on replying to all you amazing chicky’s… but wanted you to know I’d felt this as I read it and am holding you in my heart too… Thanks so much for being so brave and putting this out here!!!!
<3
Girl…as I read this I got that pit in my stomach for you–the one that makes us curse & scream b/c we don’t want to do something, but it has to be done. I used to think there was nothing more invasive/uncomfortable than going to the Coochie Snorcher doc. Oh, but there is…throwing your truth out into the universe is so much scarier. Emotional work sucks!!
It was so true what you said–think we must have been reading the same book b/c it sounded vaguely familiar–about repeated lessons in our lives. That seems to happen to me a lot–and even though I tell myself that if I don’t do something different, nothing will change, I still revert to my old ways.
This little broken record runs through my head all the time, “I’m terrified that there’s going to be someone smarter, better informed, who understands the big picture more completely than I do… and that that person will bash me for being an uninformed idiot speaking out of turn.” It’s one of the big reasons I don’t pursue writing….or any other passion for that matter. ;0)
Ironic you wrote about that high school experience. I always felt like the 3rd wheel in all of my friendships from middle school on. I was the one who was stepping in on other people’s groups, never quite fitting in anywhere. I’m going through my own ridiculous escapade w/this right now at work. This whole time I’ve been thinking, “This is so high school!” And it is!! I was so hoping to never encounter this kind of BS again, but here it is. Trying to figure out the lesson here & what to do next.
Thank you for throwing your truth out there. You’re def. not alone.
ROBIN!!!
First… You know I laughed out loud at “Coochie Snorcher doc”, right??? You always crack me up…
At the same time, how true….. throwing your truth out there for the world is freaky scary for sure…
Ugh… spirals, that’s what I call those lessons that I seem to have to keep repeating. It never seems to be exactly the same situation (well, *almost* never I guess would be more accurate) but similar enough that I believe it’s the same root lesson, only on a slightly different level, or presented in a slightly different way…. thus, my spirals…
Dude… it sucks.
ACK!!! But your writing… [sputter sputter], it’s magnificent!!! See… now THIS is the crap that pisses me off the most… We have those nasty little voices in our heads & they keep our magnificence inside. Wayne Dyer says “Don’t die with your music still inside you”, and that’s what I keep trying to remind myself of with all of this stuff…. there’s something in each of us that is our ‘music’. It’s only ours. There has never been, and will never be, music just like our music. And how sad to think that if we don’t let it out, the world will *NEVER* experience it.
I had no idea that you ever felt that way in HS! I would NOT have thought that (obviously
). You always seemed to move so effortlessly in between everyone. Interesting…. and a great reminder that we never truly know what others are going through inside. <3
Hope the work stuff works out quickly & gracefully for you and everyone…
So glad you stopped by here… <3
This was a huge issue for me in High School. I never had people tell me I was trying too hard, in fact I was told I wasn’t trying hard enough. I just didn’t feel like I deserved these friendships, too afraid or ashamed to tag along because what if they don’t want to spend time with me?
What changed for m was finding myself, and finding a group of people who GENUINELY like have me around. I never question our friendships, and it’s the most amazing feeling ever. It wasn’t until I was 20 that I started to feel this way.
The tough thing is I’m away at school right now, and all the self-doubt comes flooding back. Just have to remember to keep trying, that being my genuine self is worth the rejection because it’s how I’ll make real connections with people worth keeping around, because they see me as worthy of keeping around.
Ugh… Sarah… what a crap feeling, huh?? That whole deserving thing? Yeah, I know it well….
So, how did you find that group of folks?
I’ve come across TONS of really super amazing people online (you’ll see many of them here in the comments
) and for that I’m beyond grateful <3
So glad you stopped by here… just connected with you on Twitter after checking out your blog… hope you enjoy the conversation here & come back soon!!!
i get it….i totally get it.
that was so brave of you to share…i also get how scary it is to share something so intimate and vulnerable in public…thank you so much for sharing.
youre amazing.
Awwww… Minna…. thanks so much <3
Angel, I am WAY impressed with how openly and beautifully you shared this. I also will say that I’m not going to pretend to imagine how you felt about it, because you’re you and I’m me. But this really touches on something that almost ALL of us have experienced at one time or another.
When I was 9 years old, I felt like the ugliest, dorkiest girl in 4th Grade. For one thing, I had VERY short hair. My mother was always trying to convince me that having my hair ‘out of my face’ would be great for me and giving me the hard-sell on getting a super short cut, even though deep in my heart I longed desperately to have long, luscious locks. Beyond that, I just didn’t feel… pretty. I’m not sure why, really, but I never felt like anyone thought I was cute or pretty in any way.
One evening during that time, I sat alone in the middle school bleachers watching my big sister play basketball. Some ‘big kids’ (aka middle-schoolers) were sitting a few seats behind me chuckling away. I immediately thought, “Are they laughing at me?” But then said to myself, “Don’t be ridiculous, you’re being paranoid, they’re not laughing at you,” until one of them called out, “Hey, kid!” I turned around with a ‘who me?’ look. One of them said, “Never mind.” I turned back around and heard him sputter, “It’s a girl!” and they all erupted into hysterical laughter.
If you think THAT one didn’t stick with me for f*ing 25 years, you’d be wrong! Hee hee… Seriously, I struggled for YEARS with the pain and stinging-in-my-cheeks feeling around my looks, no matter how hot or sexy or beautiful anyone said I was.
But you know what? I have learned that the painful experiences we come upon in our lives are there to show us exactly what we need to know. For me, it wasn’t “Those kids think I’m boyish.” No, it was “*I* think I’m boyish.” And you know what? I was a total tomboy at that time who really wished she could be more girly-girl. That’s the truth. I wanted to be soft and weak and not strong and athletic like I was. I’m not talking about sexuality- I’m not a lesbian, of that I’m positive (although if I were, that would be awesomely fine too!). It was just a way that I was appearing in the world that I secretly wished I could change. Probably something about trying to please my dad. It really doesn’t matter.
Over the years I’ve fallen in love with ALL the aspects of myself, feminine and masculine. But way back then, those kids were serving as a mirror for me to realize what was true about myself.
And when I view it through that lens, I have total compassion for them. They were just players in this big ol’ game called My Life. I chose to learn certain lessons, and finding a way to step fully and unabashedly into my feminine was one of them. There are tons of layers in there too that would take an entire blog post of my own to describe. But that’s the gist. ; )
Anyway… enough about me. From reading about your experience, my sense is that those kids were hurting themselves (even if they didn’t know it) and you threatened them in some way. Face it girl, you’re gorgeous, for one. And you’re also brilliant, and self-possessed. It isn’t your average Jane who can handle that! : ) But even beyond that… sometimes there’s just something a human being at some point in her or his development (at age 12 or 56 or whatever) isn’t ready to deal with- and when they come into contact with it in the form of a living, breathing human being, they get scared and push that person away.
I realize I’m now writing a novel here, but I’ll share one more experience of my own here to round everything out. When I was about 16, my best friend invited me to go to Six Flags one Friday night with her and some cute guys (who had no interest in me at all but looooved my best friend). At some point in the evening, I saw a pudgy kid walk past me and, after he got about 10 steps away, I called out, “Hey Fatso!” and we all erupted into laughter.
HORRIFYING. I immediately hated myself. Why on earth would I say something that cruel to some innocent kid who’s only sin was… what, walking past me? It’s not like I even had any disdain for people who were overweight. It’s not like I was even a hater by nature! Honestly, I have no freaking clue what came over me in that moment. I can still see that poor boy walking away from me, knowing I had just crushed him and trying to pretend like he didn’t hear me or didn’t care.
This story, too, stuck with me just as painfully as my OWN ‘other people hate me’ story. No, I’m not saying that for sympathy. I brought that pain upon myself, 100%. But damn, every time I would recall that story, I’d get that same hot-stinging-in-my-cheeks feeling over inflicting that kind of pain on another human being. At some point, though, I had to let it go (as I can only hope that poor boy was able to do, too). I realized that it was also an opportunity for both me and him to realize something about ourselves, if we were open to it.
I don’t know what the lesson was for him, the unsuspecting recipient of my random cruelty, and I’m not arrogant enough to think I could know it. But for me, maybe the lesson was ‘I hate being invisible to people,’ or ‘My crappy thoughts are bloated and unappealing.’ Or maybe it was just my lesson in how rotten it feels to make other people feel rotten. Nonetheless, it was a learning (albeit painful) experience for me.
I don’t know if any of what I’ve shared helps you sort out your own stuff, and if it does, great. If it doesn’t, maybe it will help someone else (such as me, since I’ve learned things about myself from writing it!). Either way, I’ve totally got your back on your way to finding your big, bold, and powerful voice! You’ve put it out there to the universe, it can’t help but respond. Honored to be part of the journey we are both on together. Big love!
Oh Helen!!!
Thanks so much for sharing all of that. Seriously.
It’s so (SO) hard to share things that have hurt us in the past… but damn it’s even harder to share the ways that we’ve fucked up (even though we ALL have done things we’re not proud of). So grateful that you shared everything that you did here. Thanks for that.
I really feel like sharing the things that I’m sharing, as I’m going through this process, is my way of not only working through all of this crap that’s built up… but also opening to allow others who’ve been-there-done-that to see that they are not alone.
I want women everywhere to be able to reach out, safely, knowing that they ARE NOT ALONE in things that have happened to them in their life, and things that they’ve done in their life.
I want, so much, for women who’re ready to reclaim their lost and missing pieces to have a place to do that. A place that feels safe & comfortable (as comfortable as this kind of work can feel, anyway
)
I think a dam has been opened here & that I should go do some writing… so thanks for that too!!!
Looking forward to a developing friendship with you; am already feeling a kinship & so love that.